We began our parenting "by the book", or should I say "books". I read everything I could get into my grubby little paws. I tuned into the local Focus On The Family program as often as I possibly could. Dr. James Dobson was my hero! He had so much information that I was sure would help me guide my precious little angels into perfect adults. We were very young parents and open to any input from any person who may have a hint of wisdom. I wanted to do it RIGHT!
When it was time for our daughter to go school, we dutifully placed her into a very well respected Christian school. Clothing was carefully chosen so as to never give a "worldly" appearance. Our children were directed to say "Yes Mam" and "No Mam". They were always to be respectful to adults No Matter What! We even chose to keep them from visiting with certain family members and friends for fear they would be exposed to things that were contrary to our faith. Our children listened to only "Christian" music and they viewed very limited movies and TV. We carefully monitored every aspect their lives.
I quickly discovered that all of my children fit Dr. Dobson's description of the 'strong-willed child'. They have always had very sharp minds and strong opinions. I developed a great deal of guilt as a working mother. As I faithfully listened to those radio broadcasts I discovered I was wounding my children by not being there with them to build their self esteem. By the time they were 15 months old I had missed out on many of the teaching opportunities that would be afforded me as the mom. I became more and more depressed the more I learned. I couldn't quit work. My children had gotten used to the creature comforts in life; food, clothing, a house.... you get the picture. What was I to do?
Then the time came that we could no longer afford to send our daughter to private school. She had to go, God forbid, to the evil public school system! How in the world would I govern her environment? My children were doomed. I was in a dilemma and I was never fond of making dilemma-naide. This was the catalyst to modify our parenting.
Rules kept my precious angels "in line" only as long as those rules could be externally enforced. My concern was what would happen in the uncontrolled environment of the public school system? What would occur when I could no longer sensor every input and govern the output? I sincerely prayed for direction.
After a profound epiphany I realized that children are pre-adults. Each has a unique personality and natural bend. The bible tells me to raise my children in his or her natural bend. This is the way he should go. I also learned to have a relationship with my children. We developed a painfully open dialogue. I worked diligently on my "game face" for the times when they shocked the heck out of me. I learned that rules without relationship will cause rebellion. I began to make sure my kids were aware of the reasoning behind the specific rules. If they didn't understand the rule, or if they had an objection to a rule, I now allowed them the freedom to question. I realized they weren't trying to be "disrespectful". I view it as preparation for them to negotiate in the "real world". I now applaud my children for thinking about, and not merely parroting back, information.
My goal is to raise children who can think and make decisions from an internal governor who can keep them. That governor is the Holy Spirit who lives inside of them.
Each family has a different idea of what behavior is deemed disrespectful. Some say children must address adults by "Mam" or "Sir". Yet others, if a child questions an adult he or she is disrespectful. It is no longer safe for children to blindly trust every adult. So what if they don't take their hats off inside the house or say excuse me for each ill-timed burp. Most of what I did as a parent in the beginning was for myself anyway. It was to prove to others that I had perfectly behaved children. This somehow gave me validation and respect from others. It was these false qualities that were prerequisite for my husband and I be deemed worthy. I decided that losing the pretense of respect from others was not worth losing my children. I certainly did not want to perpetuate to my children the unatable guidelines that had been imposed on me.
As a parent, my concern is what is really in my child's heart. He may be saying "Yes Mam" on the outside and playing the respectful role, but really his heart is full of hate and discontent. They quickly learn to be passive aggressive when a parent is a tyrant and not a leader. If I am behind my children pushing and shoving them to go and do where and what I want I am not in a position of leadership. A true leader is like Paul who admonished his followers to follow him as he followed Christ.
When children are taught to bottle their emotions and feelings under the pretense of respect it mirrors what religion requires of adults. Religion creates adults who never really deal with their emotions and hurts for fear of not being "spiritual' enough. They have been taught all along to 'play nice and don't make waves'.
My kids are free to express themselves without fear of judgment or punishment. They are given the freedom to express their emotions. If they are angry or upset they may speak loudly. I realize this is not directed to me. I would rather know their raw emotion. I don't want to be a parent whose child does something drastic and I never saw it coming!
Each child is unique. When we place them in a cookie cutter and make them all the same, we lose who they really are. This may be why so few of are passionate about anything as adults. As leaders in the church, we incessantly point out faults and failures instead of reminding them who they are in Christ and who Christ is in them.
I am confidant that I am raising children who will have true conviction based on what they know and not what they have been told. There is an internal assurance within me that my precious offspring will be assertive, courageous and informed adults. They will be able to stand firm in their convictions in the midst of adversity and not conform to society's demands.
